07 Jun, 2009 Basketball Diaries !
A young colleague of mine died yesterday. None of us know yet why he died, but die he did. All we do know is that his death was one of silence and mystery, and therefore the effect of it could not be more chilling to all those who appreciated him as the genuinely lovely young guy that we knew.
In the aftermath of the event I have to say that I am left with more than residue of anger. Anger at myself in the first, that I never recognised any sort of troubled emotions that may have existed whenever I looked into his eyes, say while discussing the simple everyday things that we all discuss with acquaintances and work colleagues. Were his troubles in any way apparent after all I ask myself, and if so was I just too busy with my own self -importance to take time to notice?
Equally I feel anger at him for not telling any of us about whatever problems that existed and evidently unsettled him so desperately. Anger equally, that he never asked for help. Not a whisper. Either way now these are now among a whole host of question that will stay with me I dare say for the rest of my life.
There is no doubt however over the fact that this boy looked up to me very much. It is not for me to say why that was. All I know is that his admiration was obvious and sometimes in away that embarrassed me. ‘Mr Kerr”, he would call me even though I told him consistently that it was not necessary and that it made me feel old. “Very well, he would say. Do you mind then if I call you Capo?” (Capo means ‘Boss’ in Italian). I would tell him that would not work either, but my protestations never pierced his resolve to demonstrate in many ways the respect he felt I was due.
But in truth it was me who held him in the highest. A hard working conscientious lad, who seemingly spent any of his spare time studying for his degree or walking hands in hand through the Corso with his pretty girlfriend, when that is, he was not selflessly raising sponsorship money for the local kids basketball team.
It was in his capacity of fundraiser that I recall him most now, as he begged me for some of my time to explain about a basketball competition taking place in Paris, one in which he was hoping to take the locals kids to, explaining in full how it would be so good for them. He was so embarrassed as he asked me to contribute a final amount necessary to make their dream trip a reality. From my side, signing a cheque and then giving it to him just felt so good. I have in my bag now as we speak a photo of him proudly in Paris, standing on the court with the Taormina team all set to go into action. Looking at his image now you would bet anything that this young guy standing so erect and elegantly dressed was destined for only good things but the reality now could not be more different.
What can be learned from an event like this then and is there even a chink of light in the abyss that is caused by his departure? For me the answer already is – yes. Life is indeed precious as is every single one of us. All around us we know people that are in pain, sometimes their hurt is obvious, but often it is so much less so. My young friend’s death has already reinforced my will to try and be much more conscientious of what people around me may be going through, even though it is unknown to me. My resolve is to be much more patient, less self centred, more available, I don’t want to ever again experience the emptiness that I feel today.
My heart is heavy but it will need to find a way to soar and it will need to find it soon. We have concerts to play and people after all come to Simple Minds not merely to be entertained. No, people go out to concerts among other things, to forget their own worries and concerns, to enter a different world where the central characters – the ones up on stage holding their attention – display talents that make it as though they are able to defy the kind of gravity that comes with real world living.
I aim to do my best.
Jim Kerr